Denver Bar Association
December 2005
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Talk the Talk This Holiday

by Debra Fine

Debra Fine is the author of The Fine Art of Small Talk (Hyperion, October 2005), and a nationally-recognized speaker and expert on communication skills. Visit http://www.DebraFine.com for more holiday party conversation tips.


You have been invited to yet another holiday open house, office party, or social get-together and you find yourself standing in a room full of strangers. What do you do?

A) Stock up on food and find someplace comfortable to hide.
B) Hang out by the bar and wait for someone to approach you.
C) Escape as you see an opportunity.
Answer: None of the above. Learn to be a skilled small-talker!

Many people are nervous or apprehensive when meeting new people and starting conversations. It can be difficult to enter a room with strangers everywhere you turn. Meeting new people and engaging in conversation with them can be exhausting and overwhelming. It does not have to be this way. Skilled small-talkers turn holiday gatherings into opportunities for success. In fact, they realize that these holiday functions have the potential to become great networking opportunities.
Whether you are at a business "meet-and-greet" or a client’s open house, you can use conversational skills as a tool to build new connections, while avoiding awkward pauses and uncomfortable conversations. After all, any relationship — business or social — starts with small talk.

Mastering the art of small talk is not only essential in forming new relationships, but also in creating lasting positive impressions. Great small talkers are made, not born.
Once you have broken the ice, follow these important tips to ensure that your small talk is successful:

• Don’t rush through conversations. Take your time, and be sure to remember names and use them frequently during
conversations.

• Show an interest in every person you meet. By showing an interest, you are creating a favorable impression of yourself. People, even shy ones, like to talk about themselves, so let them.

• Be prepared. Before entering an event, take a couple minutes and think of at least three conversation topics. Remind yourself of what you may already know about fellow attendees: their hobbies, activities or interests. If you happen to encounter an uncomfortable silence, these conversation points will always come in handy.

• Always maintain eye contact. Eye contact is an easy way to make others feel comfortable, important, and special.

• Act confident through your body language, even if you are not. Nervous body language (twisting your hair, slouching shoulders, constant hand rubbing) can make others uncomfortable and anxious. Try to be aware of your body language when interacting with others.

• Be a careful listener. By listening intently to what others are saying, you are not only making them feel important, but you are gathering cues to keep the conversation going and bridge to new topics.

• Don’t steal the show, and don’t let others steal the show, either. Try to give everyone in an interaction the opportunity to speak. If someone is monopolizing a conversation, wait for a pause or until that person takes a breath, and then make a comment that can steer the conversation in a new direction. Or, include someone who has not been heard from by asking, "What has been going on in your department?" or "What are your views on this issue?"

• Be appropriate. In certain settings, some topics may not be suitable. Be careful when asking about spouses and romantic relationships, because you may end up regretting it. Instead ask: "What’s been going on with the family?" or "Give me an update on your life since our last visit." Do not ask about the job at Boeing unless you are sure he or she still works for Boeing. Questions that prevent "foot-in-mouth" disease are: "Bring me up to date about your work" or "What’s been going on with work?"

• Don’t interrogate a conversational partner. Questions like: "Where are you from?" "Are you married?" "What do you do for a living?" can stop a conversation before it ever
really starts.

• Be respectful of the opinions of others. Not everyone agrees on things, and friendly disagreements can be a gateway to a great conversation. Offer your opinion of your favorite football team, the state of public education today, or the future of the space program. Be sure to follow up with "What do you think?" or "Tell me your opinion."

• Have exit lines prepared. You will probably want to mingle with several people around the room. Ask for a referral to remove yourself from conversation: "Who do you know at this event that comes from a financial background?" If this produces a referral then you are on your way. If not, you are still on your way with: "I need to locate fellow financial gurus in order to help me understand the information presented at the general session today. It was very nice meeting you." Fearful of hurting someone’s feelings? Ask them to join you: "I need to get some coffee, would you like to join me?" They can decline or join you, but at least you are moving around the room.

This holiday season turn every conversation into an opportunity for success!

Top 10 Holiday Icebreakers:


1. “How do you know the host/hostess?”
2. “What are some of your family holiday traditions?”
3. “Bring me up to date about your family/work.”
4. “Tell me about your plans for this holiday season. …”
5. “What do you enjoy most about the holiday season? Why?”
6. “What do you have coming up or planned during the
upcoming year?”
7. “Describe your typical holiday festivities. …”
8. “What special gifts do you plan to give this year?”
9. “What was the best gift you ever received? Why?”
10. “How does the holiday season affect your work/industry/family?”

Conversation Killers to Avoid

1. “Merry Christmas! What are your Christmas plans?”
(Not everyone celebrates Christmas.)
2. “Do you have children?” (There’s not much to say if the
    answer is no.)
3. “Is that XXX real?” (Fill in the blank — diamond, hair, etc.)



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